Foolish

Its always me, not you. Never you. 

'cos I am always the one that seems to be wrong, in your eyes.

Im bloody foolish.

I always find excuses for people, to make myself feel better. 

Im so optimistic that I thought they always have good intention only, 

I dun ever wan to group them with the word " mean" .

Therefore I find excuses for them. ( WHY AM I DOING THIS ?! )

But I am always taken advantage of . ( WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING ?! )

& I never speak up, becos i dun wan those relationship to be just giving & taking, equally. 

Maybe I just got to blame myself for giving too much. ( for what i think i did )

Sometimes, i thought to myself.

Maybe i didnt give too much, it just seems too much to be to me.

& at the end when i lose out, i dun wan to lose out. ( thats why i wake up. )

But you yourself know, if i have given too much.. 

But when i wake up, i always , always fall back in. 

I dunnoe why, the next minute I find myself finding excuses again. ( Not for myself.. ) 

I dunnoe how to say all these, its just the feeling. 

The feeling of how much I want to balance out things. 

It applies to everyone, everyone around me... 

I got a friend, who once quarrel & broke off with the bf( currently the husband) & called me up at midnight, I went over to her house, though she is staying nearby, to console her. Got back home in the morning 5am & got scolded from my mum. A month later, she got back with her bf & then planning to get married. 3 months later, I am not even notify for her wedding, moreover she didnt even contact me anymore. Now i see her at neighbourhood, i still smile to her& sometimes she just treat me like some passerby. ( WHAT ON THE EARTH AM I THINKING ?!)

I got another, always look for me when she needs me only. But I dunnoe why I still accept her calls, reply her smses. & i really concern about her life, i dunnoe why. I know she only look for me when she got no one to turn to , so last resort me . But why the hell am i still so nice to her ? ( WHATS WITH MY BRAIN ?! ) 

I got another, there's one also, always trying to tell me how great his life was, how he's doing. how well everything is going. how things fall into place for him.. & then goes behind me & think that i am some slut.. All he wants me to do is to envy him, but i am not. ( WHY DO I STILL REPLY TO HIM NICELY ?! ) Why cant i like just say .. SCREW OFF ? Why on the earth i still think that the word will hurt him ? 

There is this one that came and act kind to me & act concern in other to "force" me to do what she wants me to do . Think i am a puppet for her to control. I still talk to her nicely, i dunnoe what is wrong with me . 

Then i also have friends getting close to me in order to get close my other friends ? 

Im like a tools for them to make use. Im dumb, bloody dumb.

I dunnoe there are hell lots more weird people in my life. 

It seems to be like i got no friends you know.. My posts are all about the same people, going round the circle only. Is it becos of what i am expecting from friends are too much ? 

I just like to smaller down my circle of friends. I dun liek changes. 

Why must i have a need to have so much friends ? 

In my fb list i only got like 339 friends. Out of the 339 friends. 

Got about 40 people is the one i dun talk to at all , i know them though. 

then got 200 of them is people i dun talk to anymore.

then got about 50 of them are my schoolmates.

then got about 40 of them are my classmates.

then got about 4 of them are my close friends.

then got 3 are my buddies

then got 2 of them are my relative.

SEE NO LIFE. HELL, NO LIFE.

IS IT ME OR THATS WHAT LIFE SUPPOSE TO BE ?! 

 So its becos I am not good-looking & stupid. 

You dunnoe what I am good in. But definitely I am good in something. 

Regards.

XOXO

& I DUN CARE WHO IS READING THIS. 
IM JUST DISAPPOINTED.